Post Grad Frustrations

Happy Belated Valentine's Day everyone! I know it's one of those holidays that you either love or hate so I've been careful not to shove it down anyone's throat. Those of you who celebrated I hope it was nice, mine ended up being quite quaint and enjoyable.
I know it's been a bit since I last posted and it's because sometimes I have a hard time coming up with what to write about without feeling like I'm spilling my guts a bit too much. But maybe that's just what this blog needs, a bit o'guts. Lately my focus has been a bit reflective on the last few years as I try to figure out what to do next.

Back in May of 2008 I stood there in my cap and gown feeling quite proud of myself as anyone who has successfully accomplished anything can relate to. Some people like to plan and conquer their lives, I'm one of them, and throughout my life that had worked just fine. Sure the plans ended up getting tweaked along the way but on a whole the goals remained the same and pretty much anything I came up with for myself to do, I did it.

After graduation I continued with my pattern of laying out plans out before myself and following them as best I could. Knowing I needed to intern to get my foot in the proverbial door I began doing just that. I can't dismiss any of my experiences as worthless because they all taught me something, but it's undeniable that as time went on, my internships got worse. The first one I had was a paid 3 month job, the second (my favorite) covered transportation and lunch along with a holiday bonus, one after that covered transportation and the occasional meal, and after that I wasn't offered any compensation at all. Now even if I wanted an internship just to keep my skills up no one will give me one because now I have "Too much experience", that plays into it's own harsh catch 22 which I'll get to in a moment. When school told us "Interning is a great way to get started on your career, because if a company likes you they'll turn your internship into a job!" they lied. I'm not sure that they meant to, but the economic downturn didn't help things. Companies are exploiting the intern system probably harder than ever and nearly no one speaks out against it because it damages their chance of getting the reference they so desperately want (I could write a whole entry on this topic alone.) Unfortunately school never really prepares you for a simple undeniable truth about the real world, it doesn't play nice.

Now I'm caught in the catch 22 I began mentioning a moment ago, I have "Too much experience" to intern any longer yet I don't have enough experience to acquire positions that describe themselves as "Entry Level" in job ads asking for 2-5 years professional experience. I had to quit my last internship for both my sanity and my finances sake, I was working a job I loathed and pretty much paying for the privilege and worse yet I ran my savings dry doing it. Then I turned to the world of retail as many of us have because it's the only place I could find work. This was certainly not in my plans, I always figured I'd have a steady job and a good start on my career by now. Part time jobs with no security or benefits, medical debt out the wazoo because I haven't had insurance in 4 years, living with my parents only seeing my fiance on weekends because we can't afford a place of our own; I can assure you none of this was what I had in mind.
I'm not sure what to do anymore, should I give up on the dream? Put it on a back burner till later in my life?

Basically it all boils down to this one question: What do we do now?

Do Things That Make You Happy

So I'm sick of being a sad sack. So some crap is happening in my life, it isn't the end of the world. And I'm far from alone, everyone has something that's less than perfect going on. What I try to remember is, and this is important: things could always be worse. Keeping that fact in mind I've decided to take advantage of the situation and do things that make me happy.

About a month ago I started this process by dying my hair red, Ariel red not natural red. I've come to the conclusion that right now during my unemployment and before I get to an age where such a thing usually looks ridiculous I was going to dye it. Why? Because I've always wanted to. I tip toed around it in college by dying my hair red without bleaching it first because I was afraid of the bleach. It got a nice highlight that way but didn't achieve the shade I really wanted. This time I went all the way, bleach, Manic Panic, the whole 9 yards.

Which leads me back to my first thought: Do things that make you happy
 
And I mean really happy. It seems like a basic enough concept but every few years I find that I need to remind myself of it. Ask yourself "Am I hurting anyone by doing this?" if the answer is no then continue to the next step and do it already! I know it isn't always so simple, sometimes there's hangups or restrictions in the way, or maybe motivation is a problem. I have a lot of experience with that. As I type this I'm procrastinating on exercising, which I know in the long run will make me happy, but I'm still sorting out my motivation issues (AKA: I'm lazy). But I will do it because I'm making it a priority.

Make it a priority

For a long time now I've been meaning to get into better shape, as well as wear my fancy clothes more often (Gothic and Lolita styles anyone?), take more pictures, sew and make more jewelry and sell it in my Etsy shop, and go hiking/camping more often. I always used to use work as an excuse, like so many of us do. In the last 6 months I haven't been working and guess what? Still none of these things happened! Maybe a little here and there but nothing stuck, why? Because I didn't legitimately make any of these things a priority. I laid around in a depressed lump in my pj's eating junk, while looking for a job and halfheartedly doing chores. It's not all happening over night either, I'm no Wonder Woman and I wont even pretend that I am. Small steps are what's moving things from the "Stuff I've been meaning to do" to "Stuff that I'm working on" because now it's a priority, and even getting your shit together enough to make something a legit priority is a step in the right direction.

Small steps are okay

Mid November I dyed my hair, 3 weeks ago I cleaned my room, 2 weeks ago I waxed my eyebrows, last week I started tweaking my diet to include more fruit and vegetables and less processed junk, I also started researching diet and exercise plans that can help (NerdFitness is really awesome btw). No not all of these are items directly on my list, some things are just precursors. Lets face it, pretty makeup and clothes don't look so great when your eyebrows are a hot mess. Basically I'd like to invite anyone interested in joining me on a life improving mission, lets do this crazy thing already!

Considerations: Weight Loss and Getting Healthy

Almost no one likes to fess up to gaining weight, especially women, particularly me. Well boys and girls it's confession time: Over the coarse of the last year and a half I've done just that, to the tune of about 40 lbs. Now there's nothing wrong with being a plus size lady, that's not where I'm going with this. It's not like "ZOmg I'm such a super fatty chan and I'm ugly and I hate myself! Waaa!" though this post wouldn't be completely honest without admitting that I do have those moments. Really doesn't everyone? Maybe not to that extent but I think everyone catches a glimpse of their reflections, pokes themselves in the belly, thighs, upper arms, butt, or wherever their personal nitpick zone is  and says to themselves "Yuck".

The straw that broke the camel's back came a few days ago at my grandma's house when I got the bright idea to try on my mom's old wedding dress. Now my mom is a very lovely plus size self declared "Short fat Italian lady" though I remember when I was younger and she was thinner, say about the size I am now. So I've been operating under the assumption that I'm about the same size my mom was when she got married, maybe a year and a half ago I was, but not now. So I found out two sad things about mom's wedding dress that day:

1. It doesn't fit, plain and simple.
2. Mice messed it up

So sure, I couldn't have worn it anyway, it didn't fit in a handful of different ways like the torso was too short and I would've had to add a ruffle or some lace to make it long enough. There were also a whole bunch of mice holes scattered around the skirt. More so I think it was the principle of the thing, my relatives were all like "Why would you even want to try that old thing on, it's going to be too big". Not so, and for the last few days I kept it my secret shame while researching diet and exercise plans like a madwoman.
The options I've been considering:

• Calorie Counting
• The Paleo/primal Diet
• Weight Training
• Interval Training
• Hiking

Some of these I've made weak attempts at before, like calorie counting I lost about 25 pounds doing it when I first got home from college. I didn't really change my diet much I just ate less, I also walked a lot then while interning in NYC. A few months later I hit a plateau and got frustrated so I quit, luckily I only regained  about 10lbs of that weight back. I was alright with that for a long time. Fast forward a year to the series of unfortunate events that started in Oct '10 and depression set in badly and I coped the only way I knew how: delicious carby, salty, sweet, and/or chocolatey foods. I know I'm not alone in this, but it doesn't make it any easier to quit doing. Dozens of websites and hours reading research later I know what I need to do it's just a matter of actually doing it.
I don't wholeheartedly know if I can manage the paleo/primal diet, so I'm considering doing a modified version of it. No grains, dairy, legumes, potatoes,  sugars, processed food, omega 6 veggie oils, or chemically altered fats seems harsh and a lot to clean out all at once. I don't live on my own and am at the mercy of my family's grocery shopping habits, and while I do have influence I can't make them buy a whole lot of veggies and fruits so I can eat healthier and I also can't make them stop keeping crap food around the house. It's been a hard struggle on and off for a long time and I have to learn how to keep up willpower.

There are a lot of my dressier clothes that I'm afraid to  even try on like my loli or my ren faire clothes because I'll be heartbroken if they don't fit. Maybe that's the push I need.

Why "Travelogue of a Head Trip"?

The "Travel Log of a Head Trip" as my teenage self misspelled it, was the title of my journal in high school. I later (with the same misspelling, damn it) named my Livejournal the same, so I suppose my blogspot should follow suit, right? Travelogue being a written (in my case) account of my "travels" through life and head trip is a phrase I've heard a few definitions of, like: A mentally stimulating experience or An act or a pattern of behavior undertaken primarily for self-gratification. And there's always that certain association with the word "crazy". 


In my own way I'm all of these things, so now that we have all that cleared up, let me tell a little about myself. My name is Dawn, I'm a Leo though I don't find that most definitions of the sign describe me well. Oh and I have a LOT of interests that at some point I'll discuss more in depth, but to name a few that I know for sure will come up in no particular order:

1. Alternative fashions: Lolita, Steampunk, Gothic, Historical
2. Geeky social events: Conventions, Renaissance Faire, Meetups
3. Geeky media: Video Games, Comic Books, Movies, Tv
4. Outdoor activities: Hiking, Camping
5. Creative outlets: Photography, Sewing, Making Jewelry, Graphic Design

I mean really this list could go on and on but we'll stick with the CliffsNotes version for now. I want to explore my obsessions  interests and if I get a reader or two along the way, well that's cool too.